This post is gonna be raw and it's gonna be real. I may lose blog followers over it, but that's ok because I'm done trying to sugar coat my posts because I "think" that's what people want to read. I'm gonna get right down to it. The year 2011 has been a complete shitstorm of events. It is by far the worst year of my life. I hate 2011 and I want it over with.
You know that phrase, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"? Well I've made so much damn lemonade that I'm drowning in it along with all the fake happiness I've been hiding behind.
The year 2011 has had me questioning a lot of things. I've questioned life. I've questioned death. I've questioned my marriage. I've even questioned why my parents would bring me into this world just so I can die inside a little more each time one of them gets sick. Then I feel guilty that I'll be putting my own son through the same thing as I get older.
I've seen beautiful things this year, and I've seen downright ugly things. Sadly, by far, there's been more ugly. I am at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. My chest has been hurting every single hour of every single day for the past 2 months. I've just been pushing it aside, thinking it will go away in time. Well I ended up in the ER the night before last thinking I was having a heart attack. The ER doc told me I have pleurisy, which is an inflammation of the lining of my lungs. He said stress can make it worse, and on a scale of 1-10, my stress level is a 15. He gave me pain pills and sent me on my way. They're not working.
And the sad thing...nobody f*cking cares! I have what I consider to be a small friends list on Facebook of roughly 160 people. I typically add only people I know or have met in real life, with the exception of a handful. I use that platform to update them on events in my life, how my son is growing, etc. I post on there that I'm going to the ER or that my Dad is in the hospital again. I can pretty much count on one hand the number of people who even say anything, and 95% of these people are supposed to be "friends". I don't get any texts or phone calls or people telling me it will be ok. My husband is gone 4 days every week, so I barely have him. All I have is my 2 yr old. The only time anybody really comments on my posts or engages in a conversation with me is if I have something they want or if me or my skills can benefit them in some way.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I have no happiness left in me. Even if I did die, nobody would care. I'm debating permanently deleting my blog, my Facebook, and my Twitter. That way I don't get upset over the posts I don't make about the shit life brings that people don't comment on. Just a simple, "It will be ok" would suffice. Who knows, maybe I'm just being selfish, because who really cares about some asshole's post on the internet. But it sure would be nice to know I have a friend.
I shouldn't need to say this because nobody will care or read this far anyway, but even though this post is dark, I'm not going to harm myself.